Just Be Yourself: Is Not As Easy As It Sounds

Living in fight or flight, when love can feel like a luxury, and a place to call home is just wishful thinking.

I think I’ve touched a little on this before. When I was 13, my family all but became homeless. If it wasn’t for a friend who gave us somewhere to live rent-free, I’m not sure what we would have done. They’d bought the other side of their semi-detached house to knock through at some point when they had the finances, but it wouldn’t be for a while, so rather than standing empty, they said we could bunk there.

Shabby was an understatement, but it had a roof, heating and running water. There was a tiny cupboard-like kitchen and a sitting room downstairs, two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs. My parents had the back bedroom and my siblings and I had the other. I shared a bed with my sister and my two brothers had bunk beds. The windows were cracked and curtainless, so I learned to sleep with my pillow over my head.

I would pile pillows on my head to muffle the sound

The following year, due to increasing incidents that I can imagine were very difficult to hear through the walls, we were asked to leave. There wasn’t enough money to keep us all under one roof and pay rent, so I was sent away to live with an old couple whose kids had grown up and left home. My parents didn’t want to use social services, so they asked around locally instead. They didn’t know this couple at all. He was a kind man and did his best to make me feel welcome. But she was an alcoholic and spent the evenings smashing things against the wall and screaming at him, calling him an evil homosexual. This time, it would take more than one pillow, so I would pile three, sometimes four, on my head to muffle the sound and eventually fell asleep on tear-soaked sheets.

Too insecure and anxious to trust new friendships

I was reunited with my family when I was nearly 16, but it had become a difficult place to be, so left when I was 17. A lovely couple on the South Coast took me in for a while, but I was too damaged, too insecure, too anxious, and too afraid to stay and put down proper roots or trust new friendships, even though, looking back, I see they were all there for the taking. I moved up to London and lived in a hostel where I found myself in numerous compromising situations and places. Far from safe, again.

Just Be Yourself isn’t as easy or safe as it sounds

I remember someone saying to me to leave my troubled family behind and just be myself. But I had no idea who that was or what that meant. I was lost, afraid, and a stone’s throw from being on the streets multiple times. So when I see young people who don’t have homes where they can go to be loved and feel safe, my heart burns with a pain that knows. I know what it’s like to feel alone and as though there is no one on your side who cares. It’s why, over the years, I’ve written and podcast so much about being ourselves, because many haven’t had the freedom or safety to find out who that person is. For some, life is a game of survival. Freedom to ‘just be yourself’ can feel like a luxury to someone who hasn’t had the safety to develop that way.

Gabor Mate: Children need unconditional loving acceptance by multiple adult caregivers…

childtraumaheal

A post shared by @childtraumaheal

Children need rest from having to make the relationship functional; they don’t have to be pretty or cute, or clever or compliant; they just need to be. They don’t have to work at getting their parents to accept them - that’s an essential need of the child and if it’s not met, it’ll distort child development

Living in fight or flight

And yet, sadly, so many children do not have this safety at home. Being accepted for who we are is the starting point of learning about ourselves and being able to blossom. If we haven’t experienced that safety in those early years, unless we address it, we are always on the back foot, always feeling as though life happens to us, always feeling as though we are catching up. It’s exhausting. It’s living in perpetual fight or flight mode.

Love can seem like a luxury

It’s why I often sign off with the words, love first. The Beatles weren’t wrong when they said all you need is love. Of course, you need food, shelter, safety, and all those things Maslow talked about. But when love is in place, and we accept each other as we are, we automatically make sure each of us has food, shelter, and safety. From that place, we thrive. Can you imagine the world if everyone put love first?

When my children were young, I considered also being a foster parent, desperate to help as many as I could. It wasn’t possible for a number of reasons, which I found hugely frustrating, but I was friends with one of the founders of Childline at the time, and she said to look after what I had and that, in time, I would find ways to help others.

So, I’ve decided to do the London to Brighton bike ride this year for the first time and am joining the fundraising team for Centrepoint charity who provide care for homeless young people aged 15-21.

I’m no cyclist. In fact, I bought a bicycle three years ago, and until I decided to do this (last week), I had ridden it twice (I know!) So there’s a lot of training to do between now and June 16th, but I’m going to do it, and your support will be a tremendous boost.

If everyone who subscribes and reads this were to give £10, we would smash my £1,000 target, which would be incredible.

Just to give you an idea, this is a table of how we can help…

I know there are so many raising money for great causes that it can feel overwhelming, so please don’t feel under any pressure in the slightest. But every pound will count and help, so if you can, I’d be eternally grateful!

In the meantime, there is SO much going on at the moment; it’s very exciting. My 50s are turning out to be a wonderful decade! I’m in the midst of finishing my MA at Warwick University and working on a new series for the podcast, which will come out later in the year.

So, apologies for such a long one this time, and thank you for getting all the way down to the bottom. It just leaves me with one thing left to say…

LOVE FIRST!!

See you soon,

Pipa xx