The Midlife Reckoning
Our periods might be stopping, but perhaps life is just beginning!
Hi!
I was on a shoot last week, filming various conversations around midlife and menopause, and right at the end of what had become a very long day, was asked to do a quick three minute piece to camera about finding purpose in midlife.
No pressure!
I literally had seconds to formulate a plan of what to say and trust me, three minutes is not as short as you think! It’s the same length of time it would take to watch Madonna fall at the Brits 30 times or listen to a page and a half of Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter. It also takes that long to do 90 squats - I try to do 50 when I brush my teeth in the morning but more often than not, I haven’t got the energy…
…but I digress.
Midlife is a time when a number of things culminate, potentially feeling like a crash point, hence the old adage, the midlife crisis. But I don’t subscribe to it. It’s not a crisis. Even when I was younger, it was evident to me—and now, even more so—that it’s a time of enlightenment, a reckoning of sorts. And this is what I tried to cram into my three minutes, which suddenly felt oh so short!
The Big Midlife Question
The nuts and bolts of most conversations I’m having with friends and colleagues at the moment is that there’s a rising sense of disquiet and an increasing awareness of misdirection. It’s all change. We’re questioning where we are heading and what it all means. We are asking, ‘Who am I?’ because amidst all the pressures of life, we feel lost. And on top of that, we are acutely aware of a ticking clock and waking up to the reality that this wonderful amazing life is not going to last forever.
There Is No Alternative
With this epiphany comes a realisation that in some way or another, we have adopted elements which haven’t always been in line with who we are deep down. It’s as if the journey toward midlife has been about learning, trying new things, adapting, building, flexing, and growing—but it’s also been about protecting, hardening, and trying to fit in or get things right. Then we reach this crunch point where we are shown a mirror and offered the chance to take stock.
If we are brave enough, we look at ourselves and sift through the things that matter and, perhaps more importantly, the things that don’t.
The epiphany is this: There is no alternative but to be ourselves. Happiness and fulfilment can ONLY come from living OUR lives, not one that someone else says we should be living.
Because we matter.
Because we are worth it.
I don’t mean the bouncy blowdry. I mean, we are worthy of the unique experience that comes from stepping into our own shoes and living our fullest, most adventurous lives.
In this fabulous clip about self-worth, Helen says that at 15, she felt, ‘Cheated out of my right to define my life and my value on my terms.’
How many of us have felt the same?
This is where midlife offers us a second chance.
Living life on our terms doesn’t mean being difficult, selfish, or rude; it means paying attention to the things that are important to us personally. It means shedding some of the layers we once took on as identity and reconnecting with the person at our core. This is why looking back at who we were as young children can be helpful; it helps us remember. Who was I back then? What did I take pleasure in before someone else said it was stupid? What did I love doing before someone said I was no good at it?
As women, we are used to cycles and seasons, and in some way, that helps us when it comes to reinvention and stepping into a new phase of life. I’m certain that midlife is a pivotal one, where we either fade into the background or step up into what I call our Queendom.
What About Me? Don’t I Matter?
It can feel quite disarming when hormones begin to change. The experience is vastly different for each of us, but there is, without a doubt, a period of change. Often, during this time, other things are changing too. It could be children growing up and leaving home, or it could be parents becoming unwell or simply less independent and needing to lean on us more. It could also be that through life changes or illness, we lose some of those close relationships and start to feel isolated and alone. We spend our thirties and forties learning how to ‘adult’, stretching out of our comfort zones, compromising, and giving to others. It’s a time of juggling careers, raising families, managing mortgages, and trying to build the future we think we want. Then comes this epiphany: we’re smack-dab in the middle of the future, and it’s not about looking down the line; it’s about living in the moment. Then we look in the mirror, and we’re tired.
We’ve invested hard for twenty-odd years, and now we feel wrung out. Physical changes exacerbate this, which is likely compounded by parents needing help or support, as well as partners who may be struggling with similar issues. Additionally, children may require a new type of assistance.
Step Into The Raft
This time of reckoning is a moment when we reassess our priorities and reevaluate the balance. It is a crucial time and lays the vital groundwork for our next season. I’ve been going through exactly this myself - I wrote about it a few posts back. The important thing is that we lean into it, that we step into the white water raft and take the ride rather than fight it.
It starts with acceptance. Often, many of the layers we’ve pulled on are so we fit in, perhaps be more like someone else, which inevitably means being less like our true selves. No wonder we feel lost. So, firstly, being kind to ourselves is a good place to start, and spending time doing some of the things that make us feel good automatically helps us reconnect with our inner selves. For me, it’s not going to the spa - it’s great for a reset and time out, but it isn’t where I connect with myself. I find the most joy when I’m cycling, reading, being with the people I love, wandering around London soaking in the energy, learning new things, and playing the piano. For you, it will be a combination of other things, unique to you.
Reconnecting with ourselves is about stripping back and silencing external influences. They aren’t all social media either. It could be a critical parent, a bully from school days, a competitive colleague, or an opinionated friend who always manages to make you feel small or not good enough. It’s remarkable how much power we give to those negative voices in shaping the decisions we make and the way we live our lives. So a good shuffle around of who we’re listening to is often necessary. I like to think of it as employing a cheering squad. We all need to be celebrated and loved for who we are, and if that means an imaginary cheering squad, then bring them on!
Our Mind Is A Battleground
When I trained as a coach many years ago, we used the image of a mental boardroom. It was/is amazing how many of us often allow the board members to be critical unsupportive voices, as opposed to ones that champion us. The idea of this exercise is to identify the loudest and most influential voices. If they don’t serve us well, if they belittle us or hold us back, then they need to be replaced with voices that cheer us on. It’s a transformative exercise as the battle is very much in the mind.
Once we start reconnecting with our inner selves, and start listening to voices that don’t ask us to change, but instead tell us we are enough, that we can do whatever it is that we wish to do, that we are able, and that we count, we start settling into our own bones again and finding contentment, fulfilment and a sense of joy.
Midlife might be the end of our periods, but it’s far from the end of life. In fact, I’d suggest we’re just getting started!